Name of Film: 47 RONIN
Release Date: December 25, 2013
Starring: Keanu Reeves
Director: Carl Rinsch
Studio: Universal Pictures
Genre: Duuude, I Found My Inner Samurai
Recommendation: 1 out of 5 Wooden Keanus
Keanu Reeves is abandoned, enslaved, and beaten. He fights monsters, witches, half- breeds, and more monsters in the upcoming 3D action/fantasy/epic 47 Ronin, a slick-but-stiff samurai-flick being rolled out into the multiplexes like a frozen turkey on Christmas Day.
Based on a Japanese legend, 47 Ronin follows K-Dude and an all-star cast back into the 18th century, where 47 wandering warriors make a vow to wreak vengeance after their master is effed-up and 86’d by evil emperors. Banished from their homes, this ponytailed posse then puts their faith in the ragtag half-breed Kai (Reeves), a dude these denizens had previously rejected, while ass-whomping across Japan battling beasts and ogres and less-than-stellar special effects.
Rumored to have a break the bank budget nearing $200 million, 47 Ronin features impressive scriptwriters, Oscar-nommed Hossein Amini (Drive) and Chris Morgan (Wanted), and eye-bulging 3D visuals. But, instead of a kick-ass stupidly-awesome popcorn movie, it comes across as another Hollywood yawn-bringer where a white man zooms in to save the day for his primitive Easterner broskis. True, Keanu’s hair does swoosh around a bunch during the battle scenes. But, as an action-star vehicle, 47 Ronin only provides two hours to ponder the old saw about whether Keanu or a proverbial wooden plank would be more entertaining to watch.