Hot Cars for the Holidays
By Teddy Field
Christmas is a time for giving, getting, and making small talk with relatives that you secretly hate. Drink enough spiked eggnog and it’ll be a magical time of the year! And let’s not forget all of those expensive presents that you still have to buy! The wife, the girlfriend, the kids, the parents, they all deserve something. So let’s pretend that you just won the Mega Millions Jackpot, the folks are taking the kids on an expensive Disney vacation in Florida, and you get to buy yourself and the ‘old lady’ a new ride for Christmas.
Whatever will you buy?
For the Girlfriend: 2014 Mercedes CLA
Mercedes’ latest automotive innovation comes in the form of a compact front-drive luxury sedan called the CLA. This pint-sized ego booster comes with deliciously curvy lines, just like your girl. But it’s athletic enough that you’ll look good driving it too. The inside is equally unisex with sporty round air vents, and a dizzying pallet of luxurious woods and leathers. You can get her a full glass roof to cut down on trips to the tanning salon. And the optional radar cruise control can slow or stop the car in traffic, keeping her safe on those trips to the gym.
Behind that planet-sized 3-pointed star on the grill is one of two excellent turbo-4s. The 2014 Mercedes CLA250 has a 208-hp 2.0 liter that can hurl this little bugger to 60 mph in less than 7 seconds. If you happen to be dating Danica Patrick, the 2014 Mercedes CLA45 would be a better choice. It comes with a handmade AMG 2-liter that sends 355-hp to all four wheels. When she mats the throttle, it’ll send her to 60 in just 4.4 seconds. Imagine the ‘thanks’ that you’ll get.
2014 Mercedes CLA250 – Starts @ $29,900
2014 Mercedes CLA45 – Starts @ $47,450
For the Wife: 2015 Cadillac Escalade
For much of the last decade, the Cadillac Escalade has been the go-to blingmobile for newly rich pimps & playa’s. From every angle, it screamed “I’ve got more money than sense!”, and the cabin even got pigskin seats, complete with little bows embroidered in the headrests. But mercifully, GM has just redesigned the thing, bringing it a little closer to becoming a ‘real’ luxury vehicle.
Using an entirely new platform (with 420-hp), the 2015 Escalade gets a gargantuan new grill, flanked by bright LED headlights, and LED tail light-fins running from the rear bumper to the roof. The interior now has lots of real wood (!), and higher quality French-stitched leather (Cadillac apparently invested in a Binford 3000 sewing machine, because there’s “cut & sew live stitching” details everywhere). The gauges have been replaced by an endlessly configurable 12-inch digital display. Outside noise is kept at bay with triple seal doors. And the new Cadillac Big will automatically stop itself, should the wifey get distracted by the CUE infotainment system. Plus, everybody will know that your wife’s married to a real baller.
2015 Cadillac Escalade – MSRP TBA
For Your Urban-self: 2015 Volkswagen Golf GTI
A ‘hot hatch’ is a great way to combine fun & function’. Just plop the rear seats down, and you’ve got plenty of room to haul all of your stuff. Plop the right pedal down and you’ve got plenty of power to haul. .. well, you know. For guys living in the city, a hot hatchback is definitely the way to go. And the granddaddy of them all, the Volkswagen Golf GTI, has just been redesigned.
The Mk7 VW Golf GTI is now lighter, and more powerful than before. Its 2-liter turbo-4 spits out 210-hp, which is good for a 0-60 sprint in the mid-6 second range. Opting for the Performance Pack will get you 10 extra ponies, and the trip to 60 gets shortened to the high 5’s. The suspension is a complex masterpiece, capable of providing aggressive handling with a smooth ride. And, the interiors so nice it wouldn’t look out of place in an Audi. The only thing this car can’t do is …
2015 Volkswagen Golf GTI – Starting @ $25,000 (est).
For Your Duck Dynasty Bearded-Self: Mercedes G63 AMG 6×6
If your weekend includes 3 of the 5 ‘B’s” (Backroads, Bonfire, Beer, Browning, Buckshot), then you’ve got to checkout this Badass Benz. Officially known as the Mercedes Benz G63 AMG 6×6, this $650,000+ earth-conquering machine comes with a 544-hp twin-turbo AMG V8, 3 portal axles, 5 locking differentials, and an on-board air compressor that can fully inflate or deflate the 37-inch tires in about 20 seconds!
Buy this bad boy and you can slog through 3ft of water, jump a sand dune (it also comes with Rally-spec adjustable gas shocks, for the express purpose of jumping), or drive right up the side of a mountain. The Austrian Army has been using these 6-wheeled monsters for years, and they make our own Hummer H1 look like a blind 3-legged kitten. Order one, and you’ll definitely be the King of your trailer park!
Mercedes G63 AMG 6×6 – Special Order Only