Schlong Out of Jail Free Card: Valentine’s Day

By April Rose

The hipsters greatest accomplishment; it is now cool to say you don’t BELIEVE in Valentine’s Day. A notion successfully advanced by a powerful group of insecure drifters with balls suffocated by skinny jeans. Don’t listen to their a-sexual suggestions. Passing up on sweet plans for February 14th is literally telling your penis, ‘instead of going to the water park that day, lets just take another lonely shower’.

Yes, by passing up Valentine’s Day you are completely passing on advanced extracurricular activities for your favorite member.

Valentine’s Day is like New Years Day for your sex life. The day to clear the slate and start a whole new year. But, more importantly, a well executed Valentine’s Day is a literal ‘Get Your Penis Out of Jail’ free card. A death sentence pardon you undoubtedly need from time to time. Your worst relationship crimes past and future can be cleared if you plan the night right.

You got her an electronic toothbrush for her birthday? Or worse, a gym membership. You liked too many of her hot girlfriends instagram photos? You always finish early and don’t help her finish the race. Your ex-girlfriend texted you late at night. Your last date night was watching the Cubs.

You need Valentine’s Day more than you ever know!

It’ll take some extra time, but don’t fake it! I know you don’t give a shit, but your girl and her pack of She-Wolves are lying if they say they don’t give a shit either.

So, you made dinner reservations at 11:00 pm because you wanted to be different on Valentine’s Day? Bullshit. This is what happens when you make reservations the morning of; that’s the only available time left. Now, every time she’s asked by her She-Wolves if you guys did something special, her response will be four letter words. Congratulations on owning that title for the month and a good two week supply of dry limp hand-jobs. Your reputation isn’t ruined…but you’re definitely not swooned over by the pack. Let me do you a favor because you can’t think ahead for one day in your life, cook! Yes! Cook! It works perfectly the day of. Salad. Meat. Done. If you’re truly dysfunctional, order takeout and arrange it like you secretly made it. Set the table, music, candles, and, please for the love of all things pure in this world, do not forget flowers! Roses, any color. Then dessert…will be served later that night around 11:00 pm … your favorite flavor, sex.

A good Valentine’s Day gives you more fetish access, guys’ night out passes and freedom to mess up in the future, which you know you need.

So, it really just comes back to you. Do yourself a favor and have a wonderful Valentine’s Day… you sweet selfish prick!