YOU’RE NEXT
Rating: R
Starring: Sharni Vinson, Nicholas Tucci, Wendy Glenn, A.J. Bowen
Director: Adam Wingard
Studio: Lionsgate
Genre: Another Home Invasion/Masked Killer Thriller? Puh-leeeeze!
Alternate Genre: Movies You Might Have Missed This Summer and Thankful You Did
Recommendation: 2 out of 5 Hostage Hotties
A limp-dick let down knocking on the door to the Home Invasion/Thriller movie ‘hood darkened your doorstep last month. It’s Adam Wingard’s “You’re Next,” and it’s a slice of cinema suckitude that’s been collecting dust on the shelves at Lionsgate for two years.
“You’re Next” follows this summer’s mind-bending “The Purge” to the multiplex. And there’s a reason Lionsgate pussied-out and gave this gore-snore sloppy-seconds at the end of the popcorn movie season: it steals more ideas from more movies than {insert your favorite bank name here) stole dollars from customers.
“You’re Next” opens with a bloody bang but gets bogged-down in bloody horror shtick. WASP-y college professor A.J. Bowen hustles his hot and pert-breasted Aussie girlfriend Sharni Vinson to a getaway sex-romp at his bickering parents’ 35th anniversary in the country. (The words “Are you fucking kidding me?” obviously never entered the GF’s mind.) Their planned sexcapade slash family reunion never hits the hot tub. Instead, there’s a knock-knock-knock at the clan’s door and they’re homicidally home-invaded by a gang of piggy-masked marauders wielding crossbows. The psychos start doing what movie sickos do best: hacking off limbs and offing screaming siblings who spill boatloads of blood. Luckily, the Aussie cutie is no frackin’ babe-in-the-woods: she’s a trained survivalist, and a cool-headed killer herself.
The vibe is “Home Alone” with gore galore and tits aplenty. Sharni Vinson plays the femme Macauley Culkin, setting booby-traps all ‘round the creaky old home while flashing mega boobies. Can she survive the slasher-slaughter? Put it this way: “You’re Next” has two sequels already in the works. Two words for that: You’re fucking nuts.
